For a long time, I lived in a cycle of pushing through exhaustion and wondering why I could not simply slow down. I was strong, capable, and quietly running on empty, yet I did not see my fatigue as a personal failing. Instead, I perceived it as quite threatening. I often wondered how I was going to survive if I could not function, and it felt impossible to rest when I did not feel safe.
For decades, I was told the answer was simply to love and accept myself. I understood that this would make me feel better, but I was stuck in a painful loop: I could not let love in because my body did not feel safe enough to drop its guard. Instead, self-judgment and condemnation became the fuel that kept me pushing through the fatigue and exhaustion. I believed that if I stopped being hard on myself, I would lose control and everything would fall apart.
Finding a Path to Compassion
It was only when I began to experience my life through the lens of polyvagal theory that this seemingly deeply ingrained belief started to lose its excruciatingly tight grip. Learning what my body was doing to protect me changed everything. My perspective shifted from judgment to a deep, quiet compassion.
I saw that my restlessness and my moments of total shutdown were not flaws. They were intelligent, biological responses to a world that felt like too much. As I slowly learned to anchor more deeply in a steadier state, I began to develop a sense of inner safety that allowed real self-love to finally take root.
Your nervous system is constantly scanning your environment to answer one simple question: Am I safe or not? As I shared in my previous post, When Pushing Harder Isn’t the Answer, your system can be seen to move through three states, like rungs on a ladder. Understanding these states is the first step toward the same compassion and internal sense of safety I have discovered for myself.
The Three Nervous System States
The top of the ladder is the Ventral Vagal State. This is where your nervous system feels calm and connected. When you are here, you can think clearly and connect with others from a place of safety. You might notice your breathing is easy and your heart rate steady. You feel patient and present. You are able to say yes or no from a place of choice rather than guilt. This state is the foundation for true healing, and the goal is to learn how to anchor here more and more as you navigate your day.
The middle of the ladder is the Sympathetic State. This is your body’s stress response. It activates when your nervous system senses pressure or a need to stay on alert. You might feel wired, restless, or irritable. Your heart may beat faster, and your muscles might feel tense in your jaw or shoulders. In this state, you often feel that you must keep going or everything will fall apart. It is hard to relax even when you stop moving because your system is trying to keep you safe by staying ready for action.
The bottom of the ladder is the Dorsal Vagal State. This is the shutdown response. It happens when stress feels overwhelming or inescapable. It is a protective response that turns down your awareness to help you survive. You might feel drained, foggy, or emotionally numb. You may find yourself pulling away from people or moving through your day without really being there. This is your body’s way of turning down the volume on life when it feels like too much.
How State Shapes Your Story
Your body’s state influences the thoughts and stories you tell yourself. When you are in a steady state, you might think that you can figure things out or that you have options. You feel a sense of connection to yourself and the world around you.
When you shift into a stress state, your thoughts often change. You may begin to believe that you have to handle everything yourself or that you cannot stop. If you move into shutdown, the story might become that you are failing or that nothing will ever change.
Instead of fighting these stories, it can be helpful to simply notice where you are on the ladder. When I understood that my negative thoughts and that harsh inner critic were actually just symptoms of my body feeling unsafe, I was able to stop fighting myself. I began to ask: “If my body felt a little safer, how might this story soften or shift?”
Triggers and Glimmers
Your nervous system is constantly receiving signals from the world around you and from within your own body. Through a process called neuroception, your system automatically scans these signals to determine if you are safe. It then creates reactions based on that subconscious scan.
Signals that nudge you toward stress or shutdown are called triggers. Signals that help your system feel safer and more settled are called glimmers. This term, popularized by Deb Dana, a clinician and leading expert in polyvagal theory, describes the tiny moments of safety that help us return to a steady state. Read more about glimmers in this article written by Deb Dana.
Common triggers for strong but exhausted women often include a sharp tone of voice, feeling responsible for everyone else, or having too many demands. Glimmers are small cues of safety, such as the feeling of warm tea, sunlight on your face, or a kind message from a friend.
As you begin to feel safe enough to slow down, you may notice a new possibility: a choice point. When your neuroception flags something as unsafe, you might be able to introduce a small pause. In that pause, you can take a breath and gently question whether the situation is genuinely threatening in this moment.
This choice only becomes available when we have enough internal safety to stop and look. You do not need to remove every trigger. You can simply start by noticing the signals your body is receiving and gently looking for more glimmers.
Small Steps to Shift Your State
The goal is not to stay calm all the time. It is to recognize where you are and take one small step toward feeling safer.
If you are in a stressed state, it can help to let some energy move. You might shake out your hands and arms for a minute or walk around the room. Breathing gently through your nose and exhaling longer through your mouth can also help your body settle.
If you are in a shutdown state, you might need a tiny bit of safe activation. You can wiggle your toes and fingers or sit up a little straighter. It can be helpful to look around and name five things you see to help you come back to the present moment.
When you are in a steadier state, you can strengthen it by pausing to savor the feeling of being okay. Noticing how your body feels when you are not bracing helps your system remember how to return to this state later.
A Simple Check-In for Your Day
When things feel off, you can use this simple four-step check-in:
- Where am I on the ladder? Steady, stressed, or shut down?
- What might have nudged me here? Was there a specific trigger or thought?
- What small glimmer is available right now? One thing that feels a little safer, a little softer.
- What is one small step I can take to move a half-step toward feeling steady?
You do not have to fix everything at once. You are simply learning to be in relationship with yourself with kindness and curiosity.
A Gentle Invitation
If you would like to keep these check-ins handy, you are welcome to download the The Way Back Home to Yourself. It is a simple way to practice these shifts at your own pace.
Sometimes, the journey back to a steady state feels difficult to navigate alone. It can be helpful to have a space where your nervous system feels truly seen and held without any pressure to perform.
If you find yourself wanting a steady, compassionate presence to walk alongside you as you develop your own sense of inner safety, I am here. You are warmly welcome to learn more about the Reset and Renew Path whenever you feel ready. We can move at a pace that feels safe for you. You do not have to do this alone.